frenziiied

University

Late last year I was offered a place in a Bachelor of Veterinary Technology and accepted the offer. The university is out of state - about 13 hours drive north of where I currently live (in Sydney surrounds) . Obviously, I can't make that sort of commute every day! I will be living in on-campus residency, where I will be fed and cleaned and educated for (hopefully) the next 3 years. Internet is inclusive, so I can still post and keep up obviously.

My classes are relatively sane - I have one heinous day a week which is 8am to 5pm of back to back 3hr prac, 3hr lecture, 3hr prac on Tuesdays but other than that I have plenty of breathing room to go and ride, play video games, do art and work on assignments. Unfortunately, until a few weeks of classes I'm not too sure what the work load will be, so art may or may not be on the rocks. Art is not my priority - I enjoy it of course, but my horse and video games are much more important to me, which I will talk about more in the next two sections!

I am super excited for university, it's a brand new start and a brand new lifestyle in a place I've never been before. Usually that would cause a lot of anxiety but armed with my horse and the prospect of doing what I love has bolstered me.

Real-life Horse

Also being hitched along for the ride is Jack, my grey OTTB gelding. If you've been following me for a while, you'll know about his (expensive) vet-related shenanigans two years ago. He has fully recovered completely sound, and after a bout of uveitis last summer, he has been relatively healthy, bar constantly giving himself ulcers. Riding wise it's so ridiculously hot in summer it becomes hard to ride, and hard to motivate myself to ride. This motivation problem is not a new issue, but because of it he hasn't been ridden in about a month, He's come good, then gone bad, then made some progress and has generally been inconsistent to work with undersaddle. He's a fantastic horse on the ground, and a real character who I wouldn't give up for anything.

As I move up north and inland to the country, land and therefore agistment gets cheaper. To put it this way, agistment around Sydney is five times what I will be paying when Jack is up there. This of course has motivated me to considered getting another horse, but it most definitely will not happen this year while I settle into university and figuring out my routine. It comes with a new set of responsibilities - buying his feed, ensuring he is fed similar times every day, keeping his paddock clean, worrying about rugs and similar. This is not something I have done for my own horse before, I have done it plenty times doing volunteer work, but never for myself and again this is something I'm excited to do! I'm excited to have full control of my horses diet and learn the effects and have the ability to change what I don't like. 

Mental Health

Last year, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), generalized anxiety and social anxiety, likely as a result of the stress of my final year of school. Social anxiety has long been a problem for me, I've always been "shy" and terrified of new people, phone calls and asking for help. Unfortunately, none of these problems have been alleviated, even after completing my final exams, getting results and getting into university. The problems are still there, and I still take an antidepressant every night to let me get to sleep. Medication has been very important to me, without it I would have panic attacks during the night and not sleep for much more than 4 hours. It was absolute hell, and medication has completely stopped the panic attacks and allows me to sleep much better. My sleep cycle is still not ideal, but it has definitely improved.

My mood, however, is subject to change at the drop of a hat. It is incredibly exhausting for me, my family and my friends. They have been nothing but supportive, and I feel horrible for being such a burden to them. My anxiety regularly impedes my life in a multitude of ways - organising residential, agistment, vet check-ups, horse transport and enrolment was a nightmare for me. However, recently, due to having no schedule or direction, I sleep for hours. I waste whole days just sleeping and playing video games, going back to sleep. I rarely do anything of value, and it is also wreaking havoc on my mood. After some sleuthing and deduction, it appears that taking antidepressants is having some sort of affect on my creativity. It sounds lucrative - but less so when you consider MDD as a chemical issue within my brain that the antidepressants work to counteract, and that an effect on my creativity is not entirely far-fetched. Going of my antidepressants currently is not negotiable. I cannot be off them, I spiral heavily downwards, becoming enveloped in low moods and suicidal thoughts. 

Video games and working with Jack act as a good distraction, and while they don't take away the problems, they let me not concentrate. When I play video games - I can voice chat with strangers. I can work in a group environment and actually enjoy myself. For this reason, if time management becomes an issue, art will be the time sink to go first.

What does this mean about art?

Art, for the most part, will hopefully still be done fairly regularly. I can't make promises, as starting university may cause time management issues and art is not my first priority for mental health reasons. My regular taking of antidepressants has had an effect on my creativity, and I tend to be unsatisfied with my work, it takes longer and is more 'bland' in my opinion.

This being said, I am shortly going to open up a few commission slots - all three of my manipulation slots are waitlisted, but I will likely open up 3 more slots for other art types.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading - you're a legend!